G" or DIAL H for HOSPITALITY
by GEORGE MANTIS
Summary: Mythology spoof


"G" or DIAL H FOR HOSPITALITY *************************** by George Mantis *** 

They were falling with an acceleration of g=9.81m/sec^2. Wolfgang Lupas was trying in vain to regain control of their space-shuttle.His wife,beautiful Valbona Lupas,the famous Earth Top-Model,had fainted.Below them,a small white planet was increasing its size second by second. A tiny meteriorite had penetrated the computer of the ship. Everything went bananas. Their parents were from Northern Hepeirus,Earth,but both of them were born on the beautiful,all green planet Howl-666 of the Pasiphae Constellation.They were on their honeymoon trip,when Hell broke loose. Now they were falling with a steady speed,like a parachute.That was both an encouraging and disappointing thing.Wolfgang didn't know why and how. Perhaps somebody from the planet below them had snatched the controls of their ship.And he was doing a fine job ,so far. "Everything went wrong from the start",thought Wolfgang."Since we left home." ____________________________________________________________ 

She was looking at the falling burning candle in the sky. "Come down,little candle,come down!",she yelled and started laughing."Slowly,take it easy,don't hurt youself! Come down and I'll water you.I will extinguish your inner fire.I'll turn you off,and then you will live forever.Ha!"She threw two snowballs against the candle but missed,of course. _____________________________________________________________ 

Lupas was searching for the name of the planet in his pocket Gal-En(Galactic Encyclopaedia) when they crashed.They were lucky.They were saved by a 5 yards thick mattress of snow, soft and elastic like cotton,which covered the whole planet. "I suppose this planet is having winter for the last 15 years" ,thought Wolfgang.Damned lucky they were. ______________________________________________________________ 

By the way,the planet's name was Xenia(Hospitality). ______________________________________________________________ 

Valbona opened her eyes slowly.Her head was aching horribly. Wolfgang kissed her forehead.Their ship was a burning flame, some hundred yards away.The snow had melted around them. They were lying on a thick layer of green grass."Just like home",thought Valbona.Then they heard the fluttering wings, the self-sharpening claws,the hissing double-tongue and they saw two legs.One of an ass and one of brass. 

_______________________________________________________________ 

"Well,so long and thanx for the anti-pasti and the dessert", Empusa said. Ker sneezed. Mormo coughed. Lamia threw a bone against Medusa. Echidna and Chimaera were playing baggammon. The Graeae Sisters lost their single tooth and single eye again. Megaera started her usual hick-ups. "One more year to live after this meal!",Mixoparthenos said. "Thanx to Xenios Zeus!",said Eris. "They tasted quite good!",The Bacchae Mother Superior said. "For Werewolves....",said Shambleau. 

THE END 

AUTHOR'S NOTES for readers who are not so much acquainted with Ancient Greek Mythology ****************************************** 

1.EMPUSA Female Vampire.She had the face and figure of a beautiful young woman.She also had one leg made of brass and one of an ass.At nights she used to enter the beds of young and handsome men.Her ultimate purpose was not seduction,of course,but fullfillment of her thirst for blood.One could get rid of her only if he insulted her in a very rude way.Then she left crying ,moaning and sqealing. 

2.KER Female Zombie.She appeared after a battle and fed herself with the flesh of the wounded and the dead.Horrible in appearance, dressed in black,with sharp teeth and nails. 

3.MORMO Another female Vampire,this time for scaring small children.She used to pluck out her own eyes,and,after the child had died from horror,she re-inserted them.Her companions were her children,the MORMOLYKEIA. 

4.LAMIA Another horrible female Vampire,in some places another name for Empusa,in others for Mormo.All above four could disappear into the mist at will,i.e.they were of a spectral or ghostly nature. 

5.MEDUSA Horrible creature,half-woman,half-dragon,with poisonous snakes instead of hair.The mortal who gazed her,face to face,was turned into stone from horror and terror.She was one of the GORGONS.Perseus slew her with the help of goddess Athena. 

6.ECHIDNA One of the most fearful monsters of Mythology,half-woman,half- snake.She mated with her brother Typhon and produced most monsters from any other such couple,i.e.Scylla,Chimaera,the Harpies,the Nemaean Lion,Sphynx,the Stymphalides Hens,and many others.She was killed by Argus,the Man with the 1000 eyes, while she was sleeping. 

7.CHIMAERA Perhaps the most loathsome monster of them all,a combination of woman,serpent,bird and dog.Her own parents felt such disgust when they saw her for the first time,that they threw her into the sea.She was slain by Bellerophon with the help of Pegasus, the winged horse. 

8.GRAEAE Three sisters.They were born old,and as time passed,they grew older and older.Finally they were left with only one eye and only one tooth,which they used in turns.They fed themselves with human flesh.Perseus tricked them and threw their single eye and tooth into a river. 

9.MEGAERA Either one of the Gorgons or one of the ERINYES(the FURIES), who used to torture evil-doers so much and for such a long time,that finally their victims escaped from them only by commiting suicide. 

10.MIXOPARTHENOS Another name for the Erinyes('Half-Maidens'). 

11.ERIS Goddess of Discord.Known for the "Apple of Eris",which caused The Trojan War.Sister and Lover of Aris,god of War.Beautiful woman,but permanently blood-thirsty.She followed KERES in battles,to satisfy her passion. 

12.BACCHAE Women Followers of Bacchus or Dionysus,god of Wine and Fun. When drank,they turned themselves into sex-maniac zombies, cutting into pieces and devouring their male mates.Orpheus and Pentheas died in this way. 

13.SHAMBLEAU Another name for MEDUSA,the GORGON,given not by Ancient Greeks,but by the famous SF writer C.L.MOORE,wife of SF writer HENRY KUTTNER.The reading of the short story under this name is highly recommended. 


End file.
